When people say.
Oh I can’t hang out because I’m busy.
I can’t text because I don’t have the time.
I’m so sick of it.
People, if you want to ignore me say it to my face.
I know I don’t have the guts to say it to someone but please just gain the courage am I that intimidating.
I mean you’re horrible at hiding.
I’m too busy to hang out.
Next day.
What’re you doing? Just at home bored watching tv. Lovely.
Text me. Can’t. I don’t like too or I don’t have the time. Next day. They pull out there phone oh well you’re texting them. Now I’d respect them if they said oh it’s my mom/dad. But no it’s oh it’s this person. Not me.

Even the people who do talk to me eventually just get sick of me and leave. I’m so sick of day after people lying to my face. Somehow I find a way to piss someone off. Somehow they find a way to slink off and not return for days. And that okay. It’s perfectly fine. Except for me. Because here I sit wallowing in my self empathizing pity infested self hating neurotic over analytical self destructive insane mind. I can’t handle being on my own. Isn’t that sad?

All the thinking.
The staring.
The late nights and no sleep at all.The ceiling teaches me nothing.
I hate it, I can’t take it.
I must be going off the rails.
Oh well.
No matter. When I wake up. No one will be there to tell me otherwise.
No one will actually be there in person to tell me that I’m better than I make myself out to be.
Good lord I’m a needy wreck.
But I keep forgetting. I’m amongst all the others who don’t care for me.

I hate what I’ve become and I still feel it’s my fault. I hate my own way of picking things and making it my own insecurity. My teeth, hands, nose… Some of my biggest insecurities…stupid? And why? Because. I’m stupid. After a rejection…it’s not me it’s you? That’s incorrect because what’s wrong with you when I’m the one who likes you…so I see that the problem is me…and I pick something about myself that is the problem for that rejection. I’ve always been good at being self destructive. It’s hard to love myself when it’s just as hard to believe someone loves me.
More stupidity?
I’ve always had this whole idea of holding onto things for ‘that special someone’ but I’ve realized that’s pointless. It’s the reason I don’t play guitar anymore. It’s the reason I don’t stand up for a girl if I can’t call her A. My girlfriend B. my bestfriend. So I have to say that I think it’s stupid. I cut myself off and try to do my best to keep my emotions away from everyone. I’ve perfected an awkward quiet shell that I lock away in to hide. Pathetic?
But there was one girl, who fixed almost everything…no more insecurities, no more hallucinations, no more doubt, no more pain, no more sadness, no more worries, I could love myself, I loved her, no more awkward shell, I could do my best of being myself around her.
But things went from bad to worse, I waited for over a year.
Once things started going downhill I started to go back to how I was broken and crazy…once the relationship started to circle the drain I exploded on myself, once it was completely over I hit rock bottom. I regained all that she was able to remove. My insecurities my awkward shell, my self hating, all of it. To this day I blame myself for it. It’s not her fault I’m self destructive. I have the only blame and the only need to apologize.
Nowadays it seems we hardly talk…maybe twice a month….maybe… And again that’s my fault. Even now…I blame myself for that relationship going downhill. I find anything and everything that could be my fault there…It was my fault it ended because…I didn’t play guitar for her, I didn’t stand up for her enough, I don’t have the straightest teeth, my hands are to small, I feel I’m insane. I can’t help it.
So again nowadays…I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, sanity, reality, thoughts, memories, ideas, but see she didn’t break one of those things. I did. Stupid?
At least now I’m not cowardly clutching a bottle hoping to forget the darkness. Now I see a shrink and talk and talk and talk about her, about everything. He writes on a little paper what pills to take, red ones to make the voices stop, white to make the fever go down and the headache to stop.
Maybe I’m still at rock bottom…I feel I might be. Because even now every time I smile it hurts…I never wanted to be an actor. But here I am smiling for everyone so they don’t ask what’s wrong. Because its either one smile or 400,000,000 words to explain. So I shut up and smile.
It’s not her fault never has been…even a few nights before we had a banquet and I couldn’t even utter a word to her. I was petrified. My mom had given me so much shit before I left I wasn’t in the best mood. I almost got her name out but I choked up, I’m still so scared. I can’t lose her…even though it feels she’s been gone. But I didn’t want to get her angry, seeing as our last conversation was ended with her saying I would be happy she would be gone soon basically. I couldn’t say a word…because I’m pathetic and cowardly. And still 100% my fault.
I broke myself, I picked myself back up, I ruined the relationship, I tried and tried and still failed, it’s my fault, so I’m sorry.
These days…I don’t know what’s going on…I’m so confused…I’m shoving away the ones who want into my life and trying to usher in the ones who could care less about me.
I even sometimes wonder things…last year I had a pretty bad bike accident. I hit my head first and hardest and no helmet of any sort. It must have been a miracle I didn’t get a concussion…but I wonder…what if this, all this is just a dream…while I’m lying in a hospital bed in a coma…back to those days were bad….but not as bad as they are…what if?
I wonder…I feel I’m addicted to emotional pain…because here I am…thinking about the very things that wrench my heart out and stomp it into the dust…….

To you…
I’m just a ghost…
If not more nonexistent…

You caught my eye over and over.
I know that dress.
Couldn’t stop my hands from twitching as I reminisced about the past memories.
It was nice…
It really was.
I miss it of course.
And I remember why I miss it…
I remember the bad memories…
But most importantly I remember the good memories like when I got you that dress…one of the greatest days I can ever remember

And I listened to myself.
And I realized something.
I’m fucking annoying.
I mean people decide to put up with me?
Day in day out?
And the ones who don’t…
I don’t blame them.
Over and over its me complaining.
Over and over its something wrong.
Over and over I’m done.
Over and over its my struggle.
Do I ever listen to anyone else?
I mean I barely listened to myself.
I don’t blame people for leaving me behind.
I get it.
I’m just not worth the trouble.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you.

What’s that?
New diagnosis?
My mistake.
Re-diagnosis.
You were right the first time?